You're my little dorito
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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