I accidentally burped into my bong.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
