i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
