she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
