I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
