Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so let's talk penis.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
