I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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