that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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