wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
