You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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