just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
