Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
MIDGETS
????
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
