New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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