Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
