You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
