Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
