i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
