Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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