Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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