I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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