Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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