dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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