tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
