When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
