PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
