Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
