im six kinds of drunk right now
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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