the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
