It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
