Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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