I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
