Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
