bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
