The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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