I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
