I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
