What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
