Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She bit a glass in half.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
