I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
