i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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