Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
