Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
