Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
