they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
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