guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
