I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
