she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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