Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
