Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
