distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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