You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
